February - Forty Years Ago

It seems like only yesterday that I was forty. I remember the forties well. For the most part, they were good. As far as physically, I probably felt better then than I did any adult decade. I had so much energy and stamina! I still have energy and stamina, but not quite so much.

Why, you might ask, would I bring up how I felt when I was forty when I have passed that by a couple of decades? Forty is on my mind this week.

Forty years ago today I gave birth to my first child. Robert Todd Caton was still born on that day and had he lived, he would be forty years old this week. It doesn’t seem possible. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

I had a very normal, healthy, uneventful pregnancy. I felt great and the baby’s vitals were always good when I went to the doctor. When I went into labor it was a very slow, mild type of labor that lasted off and on most of the day. When I went to the hospital I wasn’t in a lot of pain but the contractions were getting closer and closer. I don’t remember much after going in and being prepped because back then they gave you medicine to “knock some of the pain.” In my case, it knocked me out. The next thing I knew I was waking up with Jerry and my mother standing over me looking rather grim. I took one look at their faces and knew something was wrong. I asked, “where is my baby?” My mother told me that the baby had died. The umbilical cord had gotten wrapped around his neck and cut off all his oxygen when he came through the birth canal. I just remember crying that I wanted my baby. They kept me sedated and I came and went in a fog. Whenever I opened my eyes my Mama or Jerry was there to comfort me. I never got to hold him, which is what everyone thought was best at the time. I did get to see him briefly when they placed him in the casket and brought it to the hospital for me to see. He looked perfectly healthy, as if he were asleep. That was all I remember of him. I didn’t get to go to the funeral because the Dr. thought I wasn’t “up to it.” They kept me pretty much out of it for several days. No one took pictures because they thought it was the best thing. In looking back, it wasn't. I think it would have been great to have pictures of my firstborn. It would have seemed more real. As it was, it has always been more like a bad dream to me than anything else. I never knew my child so the grief was very different than what it would be had I ever known him. I can still remember sitting in his nursery we had fixed up and cradling a pillow in my arms so that they would not ache so. That was the strangest thing.

It was a very hard time in my life but I have come to realize through the years, that God knows best. I think God was looking out for me during those times. I had prayed over and over during my pregnancy to not let anything be wrong with my baby. I was really paranoid that something was going to be wrong with my baby and I have always felt that God answered my prayer. I feel that my baby was not exactly right. I also feel that I was not ready to be a mother and God knew it. I needed to learn patience and it took a lot of patience to accept my loss. What should have been a nine month wait for my child turned out to be a 21 month wait as Chris was born in March 1971. I had grown to know the Lord so much better by then because I had to rely on Him to help me through my grief and I knew He had blessed me beyond measure when Chris was born.

I always tell people that as hard as it was to have lost my baby, I think of it this way: I would never have had Nick if Robert Todd had lived. I had always planned on just having two children so I would not have had Nick. I can't imagine life without Nick!! God is so good. He always finds a way to bless us and my boys have definitely been a blessing to Jerry and I!

Children are a gift from God. We should never let them forget how special they are or how much we love them. And, we should never stop thanking God for giving them to us. I have said many prayers asking God to help me to be a good parent. I'm sure I made a lot of mistakes but thankfully God has kept our family strong. Thank you God for my children and for guiding us through the years of raising them. They have turned out to be good Christian men and Jerry and I are so proud of them!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5